Revoke My Girl Card Now...

I'm a bad girl. Not a "bad girl" in a sexy way, rather I do a bad job of being "girly". I am subjected to conversing with members of my sex all the time, but the thing is, I don't get what the heck most of my peeps are talking about. I spend most of the time smiling, nodding, and getting in one or two smart ass comments so it looks like I've been there the whole time. I'm starting to feel guilty that I could care less about "what guys are thinking" and "how many calories are in pudding pops"...seriously, these are conversations I've witnessed and/or have forced to be a part of because I physically can't pick up my desk, bar stool, or my seat on the subway and move it somewhere else. I've decided I can no longer live a lie and I need to confess a few things.

1) I have never dieted for bikini season/ wedding season/ hunting season by "starving" myself. When you confess that you are doing this, I don't think it is cute. It scares me. When I don't eat I get a headache and my hands start to shake. How can that be attractive?

2) Everything I know about sex I learned in comedy clubs and listening to girls talk. My Mom told me nothing about sex. Until college the only gyno I saw was a military doctor on an Army base. He didn't tell me anything either. In fact, I think just me being there made him nervous.

3) Pastels hurt my eyes.

4) There is no secret product that gives me thick hair or skinny legs. It's called genetics. I swear I'm not withholding information as a way to one up you with my beauty regime.

5) I hate shopping. The thought makes my stomach churn. In fact, I just learned that Pucci is not a typo for Gucci.

6) Most of the time, when someone tells me they are about to PMS I take this as a lame advance apology, warning me for the bitchy behavior that they will soon be displaying.

7) I didn't know what granny panties were until someone asked me why I wear them.

8) I have never craved chocolate or ice cream.

9) If you have to constantly tell people how amazing your boyfriend /husband/partner/fuckbuddy is, it eventually starts to sound like the only person you are trying to convince is yourself.

10) Babies are loud. I don't look at one and think, "Oh how cute"... I think, "How heavy is it?" I don't want to hurt my back if I'm expected to pick it up and coo and cuddle with it. I can barely feed myself, how am I supposed to feed a baby.

11) Apparently as I was typing this someone was talking to me. I didn't hear anything until they yelled, "You don't listen. You're like a MAN." So add that to the list then. But chances are, they were talking about some girly crap I could care less about. So I feel lucky.

Oh well.