These Boots Are Made For Walkin'

I work next to a shoe store. I always walk past it but never go in. We were given discount cards for the store as long as we can provide a work ID, so I thought, "Ok, enough is enough." As much as I hate shopping, I love cheap stuff.

I found a great pair of heels. Here's the problem- Jessica Simpson makes them. I imagine she piles all her extensions onto the top of her head with a scrunchie and hunches over a pile of red patent pleather and leopard print material and somehow manages to cobble up a shoe design from the back of John Mayer's tour bus. Then she ships the mock up to a factory in Japan where John translates her order in Japanese. It's a hobby, but a very lucrative one I'm sure. Somebody's got to foot the bill for all those dinners at Koi and Mr. Chow's.

She's got collagen looks, bleached out real and fake hair, big boobies, never has been caught lip-synching, a cute boy band ex-husband, a tall grammy winning current boyfriend, a wig business, a shoe line, and a hot Dad who has highlights. If I buy those hooker shoes, can they guarantee me that much fabulousness? If so, I'll take two pairs.