You Can Take The Girl Out of Russell Springs, But You Can't Take The Hillbilly Out Of The Beauty Queen

According to news reports, and I use the term "news" quite loosely, Miss USA, who hails from Kentucky, is having trouble here in the big city conducting herself like "royalty". I also use the term "royalty" loosely. She's accused of going crazy with cocaine use (maybe someone asked her if she "wanted to ride the white pony"...Kentuckians love horses, she could have gotten confused), taking gentlemen callers back to her pageant apartment, lesbian make-outs with Miss Teen USA, and underage drinking. Isn't that a Saturday night at any sorority house now a days? As a result, they want to dethrone her...the horror! We all know that getting dethroned as a beauty queen can be devastating to one's career. (read: Vanessa Williams) So I can understand why this abomination to the sanctity of all that is right with the world is taking media precedence over the situation in Iraq.


See, when people want to gain US citizenship they have to name 13 colonies. I think the true test, would be to have these citizen - desiring hopefuls name 13 Miss USA's. If they can do that, they must really want it, because let's be honest - who cares who wins these damn pageants anyway?

As a Kentucky beauty queen myself - "Second Runner-Up Miss Hardin County, Y'all", I sympathize with Miss USA. The pressure can be overwhelming. I stood next to the person who stood next to the person who actually won, but let me tell you, I too started to freak out as I held my plaque and tried to look out into the crowd of onlookers clamoring to take my photo. As thousands of flashbulbs sparked trying to capture my beauty and grace, the only photo they ran in the local papers, was the one of my mouth open wide and my fist in mid-air pump. It was very Arsenio Hall-esque...quite a timely pose, considering the year. But the photo had a twinge of sabotage to it. Jealousy is a bitch, Miss USA. I've been there. Even though I lost that crown to a black girl who did "Kah-Rah-Tay" as her talent ( Yes, it was an impressive victory considering we lived in Kentucky...those judges must have have thought themselves quite progressive) things were never the same for me. After my second runner-up victory, whenever I went to the Waffle House to get an order of hash browns scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, peppered, and capped...I could feel the stares. Those stares let me know, I was not honoring the crown. I was making bad choices.

I know first hand that beauty can be an ugly business, Miss USA...but hang in there. As for those reports that you made out with Miss Teen USA, how could that possibly be your fault? How were you supposed to know how old she was? Kids look so much older nowadays! Keep your head up and wear that crown with pride. That tiara shines for no one but you...