Lies, Love, and Lipitor

My mother is big on secrets…sort of. There always seems to be some little piece of information that comes to light that she has been withholding for years that more often than not has little to no importance, but sooner or later I find out about. There was the time in college that I went out with a group of kids from Greece and spoke in Greek with them. When I asked for the bathroom I was asking for the “place”. When I made a joke about a penis (Yes, I have always been a class act) I kept calling it “the thing”. When the kids explained to me what I was really saying I was so embarrassed. I called my Mom to ask her why she taught my brother and I “Baby Greek”. She responded, “Who needs to learn bad words so they can talk like that, anyway?” Huh? Good plan, Mom.

Last night I received a call from my cousin who’s a doctor. My Mom called him because she’s worried about my migraines and cholesterol level. Apparently when it comes to my medical woes, she definitely can’t keep a secret. My cousin tells me that everyone in my family (including my Mom) has high cholesterol and I shouldn’t worry, I just need to get on meds. What? My Mom has high cholesterol? When was she going to tell me? I walk out of the doctor’s office in a panic because he informs me that I have the cholesterol level of a Grandpa who has been eating rare steak and eggs for breakfast for the past 80 years, and she can’t speak up to say, “Don’t worry hon, it runs in the family.” Instead she accuses me of gorging on a wine and cheese diet, and keeps mum on the fact that she’s been on meds for high cholesterol since God knows when.

I get off the phone with my cousin and call my Mom to ask her why she’s failed to mention that high cholesterol runs in the family and she responds with, “Why would I tell you about Uncle Tony, he’s not a blood relative. He married into the family.” Again, WHAT? I call to ask her about her cholesterol and she manages to continue withholding and hang another relative out to dry. Very sneaky. I try to end the conversation by saying that from now on, so that we don’t get sidetracked, we need to have a theme for our phone calls. Tonight’s theme is “You need to disclose immediate family medical history starting now”. I ask her to repeat the theme to confirm that she understands the gist of the call. She repeats, “So you want me to tell you stuff”. Ummmmm…close. It’s not exactly what I’m asking her for, but it’s a start. Later that night she texts me, “I think Zza Zza’s goofball husband just wants that baby’s inheritance and so he threw his hat in the ring just in case he has the magic DNA.” Ummmmm….once again, I see there has been some miscommunication. I requested her to disclose OUR immediate family’s medical history and she gives me pressing DNA information regarding Anna Nicole’s baby. Very, very, sneaky, Mom. I’m on to you.