Cheaters Never Win

I joined a "sports club" this weekend. On purpose. I paid a week and a half's worth of salary over to some mystery organization located in a large space that permeates the faint stench of day old sweat that has equipment set up for me to work out on and feel sore as a result of...they call this beacon of pain and suffering a gym. The last time I joined a gym I was trying to get in shape for a guy I had met long distance who was coming in for a visit. He had told me that since we had last seen each other he had run a marathon. As a result of my amazing lack of forethought and a senseless quest to find more bullshit we could bond over, I told him that, "Yes, I too loooooove to run!" I ended up running so much that I broke my right ankle. It buckled not because I tripped or got caught up in a shoelace, rather it broke under the sheer stress of the bouncing impact of my hot body. ( I believe my doctor's exact words were, "Your body is clearly not 'built for speed')

Before that bad idea, the only previous time I had run, that did not include me searching for safety or shelter from the rain, was almost 20 years ago in fifth grade when I ran the fastest mile in my class and was chosen to represent my elementary school in the annual county cross-country meet. What I failed at the time to mention to my gym teacher or my parents, was that I had no idea when we were running the qualifying race in gym class, that we were being timed. I certainly wasn't into running so I did what any quick thinking kid would do, who had no interest in sweating for the "health of it' - I cheated. That's right, I'm coming clean... I cut the corners in the field and nobody noticed or seemed to care, because when I came in with an under 7 minute mile everybody was so happy for me. Maybe everyone else knew that whichever kid came in first would have to run it all over again...this time in front of their family and kids their age, from not only their school, but every elementary school within a thirty mile radius. Well the joke was on me because on the day of the county races, which I repeatedly begged my parents not to attend, I ran that mile. I ran the fastest and hardest any kid who had never run a legitimate mile before could run, and I came in last. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life. I came in as last as last could be. I would go so far as to say I may possibly hold the record for the slowest mile ever at the county level...

So here goes nothing... they say the third time is a charm. Perhaps if I try running for me and not for somebody or something else, I may travel a bit farther...but chances are, I may not fare so well. Because as much as I may have grown in other ways, one thing has remained the same- I hate to sweat.